A trailing spouse is someone who relocates to a new country because of their partner’s job. While the term might suggest simply following along, the reality is far more complex. It involves navigating a major life transition, redefining your personal and professional identity, and adapting to a new way of life.
Let’s be honest – the phrase trailing spouse doesn’t exactly inspire confidence! It conjures up images of someone playing a secondary role in their own life. But truthfully, being a trailing spouse is about resilience, reinvention, and embracing new opportunities.
I know this because I’ve been there.
What You Give Up – And What You Gain
When you move overseas as a trailing spouse, you often leave behind a career, a support network, and a sense of familiarity. For many people, that sacrifice is made willingly, driven by the excitement of a new adventure and the hope of personal growth. But the reality of being a trailing spouse can look quite different from what you imagined when you arrive in your new country.
The Challenges of Being an Expat Spouse
- Loss of Professional Identity: If you had an established career, stepping away from it, even temporarily, can be unsettling. Finding work in a new country isn’t always easy, especially with visa restrictions, language barriers, or limited job opportunities in your field.
- Financial Dependence: If you’ve been financially independent for most of your life, suddenly relying on your partner’s income can be a huge adjustment. It can also create an unexpected power shift in your relationship.
- Building a New Social Network: Making friends as an adult is already challenging, but doing it in a foreign country adds another layer of difficulty. Without the natural connections that come from a workplace, it takes extra effort to build a community.
- Constant Change and Uncertainty: Depending on your partner’s job, you may be moving every few years, which means starting over repeatedly – new homes, new schools for kids, and new routines to figure out.
The Unexpected Benefits
While there are some struggles, being a trailing spouse also offers some incredible advantages:
- A Chance to Reinvent Yourself: Moving to a new country means a fresh start. It’s an opportunity to explore new career paths and hobbies or even start a business.
- More Family Time: If your previous life involved a full-time job, being a trailing spouse can give you more time with your kids and partner.
- Deep Friendships: Depending on your relocation, expat communities can be incredibly welcoming. Many people in similar situations quickly understand the challenges and form strong, supportive friendships.
- Cultural and Travel Opportunities: Living overseas gives you access to new experiences for you. And new experiences for the family. Whether its learning a new language to travelling to places you might never have visited otherwise.
Parenting as a Trailing Spouse
Raising kids overseas brings its own set of challenges (and rewards!). You’ll be navigating unfamiliar school systems and helping your kids adjust to big changes. With kids, you may even need to balance different cultural expectations around education and parenting.
Some key strategies for parenting as an expat spouse:
✔ Help your kids embrace change: Talk about the move, involve them, and give them time to adjust.
✔ Find a supportive school community: International schools can help ease the transition.
✔ Keep family routines consistent: Familiar family rituals, like bedtime stories or weekend traditions, can create a sense of stability.
✔ Encourage cultural curiosity: Help your kids see their new home as an adventure rather than something to fear.
Navigating Relationships as a Trailing Spouse
Relocating for your partner’s job can put pressure even the strongest relationships. While your partner is busy with their new role, you can be left dealing with the emotional and logistical challenges of settling in.
Here’s how to maintain a strong partnership:
✔ Acknowledge the challenges: Uprooting your life and moving overseas isn’t easy! Talk honestly about the sacrifices and adjustments that you’re both making.
✔ Support each other’s growth: Encourage each other to pursue personal goals, whether career-related, social, or creative.
✔ Share responsibilities: Just because one of you works full-time, doesn’t mean the other person is solely responsible for home and family management. Share the mental load!
✔ Make time for each other: With all the changes happening around you, try to prioritise your relationship – especially if you’ve got kids. Depending on your location, look for local babysitting or nanny services to allow you time to connect and talk about the move without interruptions!
How to Thrive as a Trailing Spouse
If you’re considering, or you’re already living, the trailing spouse life, here are some ways to make the most of it:
✔ Find a Purpose Beyond Your Partner’s Job: Whether it’s remote work, volunteering (remote volunteering or in person), studying, or developing a new skill, having something that is yours makes a huge difference to your own well-being.
✔ Connect with Others: Seek out expat groups, community events, and online forums to help you build a new support network.
✔ Be Open-Minded: Every challenge is an opportunity to learn. Adaptability is one of the greatest strengths you’ll develop as a trailing spouse.
✔ Prioritise Your Well-being: Don’t put yourself last. Exercise, self-care, and try to make time for things you enjoy.
Becoming a Trailing Spouse
Being a trailing spouse isn’t always easy! But it does offer lots of unexpected benefits and give you the chance for personal growth and new adventures. Despite the name, it’s not about “trailing” at all. It’s choosing a different path, embracing change, and making the most of your experience.
If you’re thinking about taking this step, know that while challenges exist, so do incredible possibilities. It’s not just about supporting your partner – it’s also about discovering what’s next for you, too!